Grief is said to be a journey rather than a singular event or emotion.
Many mental health professionals have given labels the various stages of grief but since we all grieve differently they can't tell us exactly how or when we will move from one stage to the next or if we ever will in a particular order.
No grief process moves smoothly from one stage to another.
Loss from suicide often has a severe impact on the surviving family and friends. There is a sense of responsibility and self blame that complicates the grieving process.
It prevents us from moving through the stages because we have a lot more to process than just the loss itself.
Once the initial shock and numbness start to wear off we embark on a journey of hopelessness searching for answers that will never be found.
We flood our thoughts with what ifs, could haves, should haves, all based on what we know now but didn't know then.
This hopelessness prevents us from moving through the normal grieving process and may even get us stuck.
Me, I was stuck.
I was stuck in the self blame, the anger, the hate, the what ifs.
Trauma and abandonment issues from my childhood and my parent's divorce left me feeling alone and helpless. I felt like that scared 8 year old all over again.
But I had kids. They were 3 & 13. How can a scared 8 year old take care of 2 children grieving the loss of their mom.
I withdrew from life and everything that brought me joy. I drank. I smoked. I wore a mask.
After the dreaded โyear of firsts" I knew I had to step up. I had to choose healing over grieving. But I didn't know where to start.
It took me 4 and a half years to finally reach a point where I was making progress. Or moving through the stages. All of the feelings I had hidden inside wanted out.
I learned that I had to feel it to heal it.
I chose to change my mindset, process my feelings, and live. I turned off autopilot, grabbed the wheel, and never looked back.
I love myself, I love my kids, and I love my life. I only have one chance to make this my best life and I choose to make it just that.
๐๐ซ๐ข๐ฎ๐ท๐ญ๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐ฑ๐พ๐ฐ๐ผ ๐ช๐ท๐ญ ๐ฑ๐ธ๐น๐ฎ๐ซ๐
The first photo was takes a week after we lost Larissa, the second photo was taken this week.
Everything in life is temporary, including grief.
